Calm, Cool & Collected…

*Click picture to make bigger*

Someday I’ll wish upon a star and wake up when the clouds are far behind me…where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that’s where you’ll…find…me…

I’ve been having my share of anxiousness as the wedding nears.  With moving this weekend and buying stuff to decorate, and all these little thoughts circulating through my head of how to decorate the kitchen, how to paint he bathroom, what color comforter I want for our bedroom, what pictures I want to hang in the living room, what accessories I want sitting out in the kitchen, what color rugs I need, where the couches will sit, what wall our bed will go against, if we’re bringing my dresser, colors of shower curtains, and window treatments, and color for our centerpieces, how to lay them on the table, guest books and unity candles and cake cutters and ringbearer pillows and wedding party gifts and the list goes on and on.

I read through that paragraph again and I couldn’t help but smile.  I can sit here all day long and complain.  Complain that I have to figure out what colors to paint the rooms, complain that I have to peel off old wallpaper, complain that I still have to order wedding stuff and we’re 3 weeks away, complain that I don’t know how I want to arrange our furniture, complain when I don’t know who’s going where during the wedding… but you know what?  What do I really have to complain about?  Is that 2nd paragraph complain worthy?  No.  So, I can’t and I will no longer do that. 

Every morning when we driving into downtown St. Paul where I work, we pass train tracks that are elevated.  Underneath those train tracks is a spot where people park cars.  It’s old, it’s grungy, it’s watery, it’s leaky from the tracks, it buckles above when the train goes over it, there are animals, and rats and it’s right by the icky Mississippi river, and they’re is a little bit of cement.  In the corner, where that little bit of cement is…when we drive by in the morning, I always see… a bike, a piece of cardboard, a blanket, a pillow… and underneath that pillow… you guessed it, a human.  Every single morning, when we drive by… he’s curled up under his blanket. 

We joke that we are going to throw a donut or a granola bar to him some mornings when we drive by. 

And you know what, I just might.  I bet he wishes he had all those things in that 2nd paragraph to complain about… but instead he gets to sleep on cardboard under a train track that is gross and dirty.  (How he got to this point, I have no idea… but once you hit rock bottom like that, I doubt it’s easy to get out of).  This day and age in America, it still suprises me that there are people like this.

And with that, I have no right to continue complaining. 

What do I have to complain about anyways?  Do you see anyone on a regular basis like I do, where you live?  What do you think?  Do you have sympathy for them or do you just think they made their bed, now they can sleep in it…Tell me what you think.

25 days away today.  TWENTY FIVE! 

I bet you’re all going to be so happy once this wedding is over and done with.  Nah, I’m really not bombarding you like I could be.  Seriously!

Lots of changes going on this next week!  AND, some time off work is coming for the month of September!  September is over all going to be an absolutely wonderful month. 

Wedding planning stuff has been popping up again… so far I have left to do:

• Print programs (I have the finalized layout, etc, just have to print them)
• Assemble programs
• Buy ribbon for programs and more vellum and regular paper
• Purchase guest book and guest book pen
• Purchase one last minute smaller gift for bridesmaids
• Chris and I need to pick out gifts for his guys
• Purchase ringbearer pillow
• Assemble centerpieces and count everything, make sure we have enough of everything
• Look online for little pumpkin dishes to put on tables and fill them with chocolates
• Assemble pew bows/flowers
• One final final meeting with our Pastor and Wedding Coordinator.  Maybe next weekend, Sunday the 7th we’ll go to church.
• Okay the programs with Pastor, make sure everything is correct
• Complete one more final fitting for my gown!
• Chris needs to get re-measured for his tux.  He’s lost almost 20 lbs since his last fitting.  Brat!
• Meet with our reception hall one last time, and give them final count.
• Call photographer and discuss meeting times
• Put together unity candle, or find one online.
• Have hair and make up trial with cousin Brooke! 
• Get hair colored 4 days before wedding
• Manicure and Pedicure the Friday morning before Wedding
• Pick up tuxes the Thursday before the wedding
• Get stuff ready for the grooms dinner
• Follow up with our Pastor for saying Grace during our reception (left her a message)
• Purchase Marriage License!
• Purchase garters
• Confirm grooms cake info and final count for wedding to cake maker
• Follow up with DJ
• Confirm delivery time with Florist
• Get ideas for must take photos for photographer

I guess that’s about it.  Alot of those to-do’s are day of wedding… so at least I can see the list is dimishing!!  I’m so excited! 

I took off some time in September since I have about 92.5 hours of vacation left to use, plus 50 hours of personal time.  The personal time I can carry over to next year, and I didn’t want to lose my vacation time, so I took it all off in September before and after the wedding!  I won’t be taking much time off around the holidays since for one that’s our busy time at work and for two you have to alternate every other year for taking time off around then so I figured this year will be my year I won’t take off.  Oh well!  So, I took off in September the 1st, 4th, 5th, 11th, 12th, 1/2 day on the 16th, full days on 17th, 18th, 19th, 22nd, 1/2 day on the 24th, full day on the 25th, 26th, and a full day off in October on Chris’ birthday, the 7th.  So I’m only working 10 days in September!  I’m SO SO SO SO excited! 

Speaking of excitement, we move into our house this weekend!  We are renting an older farm type house on 3 acres.  4 bedrooms, 3 car garage, large yard, back to corn fields and woods, on a private road!  I’m so excited, seriously.  We know the family, so that has made everything wonderful.  They said we can do whatever we want to the house, paint, make it our own, etc.  I am gonig to tear off wall paper in the kitchen on Thursday and Friday night, Saturday we’re going to paint, Sunday we’re goint to babysit my flowergirl and go look at TVs and Monday we’ll move in!  Thursday the 4th our furniture will all be delivered, and hopefully our TV as well!  Then we’ll have to go pick up some endtables, lamps, rugs, etc and we’ll be set!  I’m SUPER excited!!  A house of our own AGAIN!!! 

Then once we get married, I think we’re going to buy a bedroom set that I fell in love with at Slumberland!  SO excited!

Things yet to pick up for house…

• Rugs
• Silverware
• Misc pictures
• End tables
• Coffee tables
• TV stand
• Get other TV fixed
• Pick up paint swatches
• Purchase a few lamps, floor lamps
• Buy new bedroom comforter/accessories
• Floor rug
• Kitchen nick nacks
• Fall decorations (eeeeeeee!!!!)
• Visit some craft shows
• Browse clearance sections, LOVE CLEARANCE!
• Buy paint and brushes

That’s about it for now… it’s all coming together though.  I’m so excited for this week to be over with, or at least just for tomorrow night for when we get the keys!  Then I can be on my merry little way to making that house OURS for the next 2-4 years!!  YAY!

Back to work!  Happy Tuesday!!

Bullets. That’s what you’re going to get today because THAT’S how fried my brain is lately… seriously!

• Ahem!  Our wedding is in ONE.MONTH!   Can you even believe it?  One month TODAY!
• I still have to find a gerbera daisy guest book and pen… or at least that’s what I’d like to find.  I’m picky, I know.  Have to hunt around online.  Did find one thanks to Stacy, but that was just a pen, so I’m kind of waiting to find a set.  Can’t wait much longer though… YIKES.
• I still need to get back at LEAST 100 RSVPs to meet the 60% average.  Why in the hell don’t people send them back?
• Every single weekend until the wedding is booked.  EVERYONE.  Well, except for this weekend, and that I’m using to go up north one last time until the big hurrah!
• I have at least 2 more fittings left with my dress… exciting!
• I still have to copy my music for the singers/pianist for the wedding.  Going to do that tonight actually.
• Bachelorette Party is scheduled for September 6th… out for a nice dinner with my girls and aunts and mother, and then bonfire at our place!  Relaxing!
• Hair cut/hair trial tomorrow night… exciting.  I need to find my hair piece.  Shitttt.  Where did I put that?
• I need to organize our wedding centerpieces and get the red marbles, and cut the flowers and at least put the flowers in the vases w/ the marbles… we will add water the day of the wedding, obviously.  ha!
• I still need to talk to our Pastor to see if she will say Grace during our reception.
• I need to meet with our DJ and confirm certain details.  She better call me soon!
• I need to finalize programs… I’m printing them out and making them myself.  I’m proud of them, if I do say so myself.  I’ll post a good picture when I have a good one.
• My attention span at work has officially hit rock bottom.  And I mean… severely.hit.rock.bottom.   Hence the reason why I’m posting RIGHT NOW at 10am when I SHOULD BE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!
• Our dog is finally healing… he was neutered on August 4th, we let him run to much, his scrotum got all swollen, so we had to let him in the house for a week or so and then since no one was home, he was out on a leash (6 ft long so he couldn’t run with our other dog) for 2 hours until my dad got home and he tangled himself up in the leash…cutting the back of his scrotum and bled everywhere.  Trip back to the vet, had to hold him down so they could look.  Good Lord.  Then he jumped all over the back of my dads truck, while he was on the leash.  OOOO he wasn’t happy.  Thankfully, Dukers is on the mend now.  Although, he has allergies I think and he scratched his eyebrow and now it’s bleeding… have to tell Chris that today.  Poor buppers!
• We found a house to rent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We just might FINALLY be moving out of my parents house within the next couple weeks, and before we are MARRIED!  DREAM COME TRUE!!!!  It’s only renting, as we were going to build or buy a house, but right now, it just seems right to rent for a couple years.  It’s the perfect opportunity.  That way for 2-3 years we can pay off one of Chris’ personal loans that he got ass backwards on from trading in a new truck on a Hummer and then trading back to a different truck… Good Lord.  Got ourselves $12k backwards on a vehicle.  Not smart!  So!  We can pay that back… still save $$$, and we can let the economy get better.  In 2 yrs I’ll have my work promotion, Chris will have more seniority at his work, and it just works out… 100%.  I’m going to look at the house tomorrow.  We know the family… it’s an older house, but has new appliances, wood floors, new carpet, etc.  So, SO! Excited!
• I’ve been playing Chris’ Call of Duty 4 lately online.  Oh. MY. GOD.  Am I bad… YIKES.  Still fun though, so I don’t care.
• Seriously, you have no idea how much this rental house stuff makes me just giddy.  It’s on like 2+ acres, 4 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, humungous shed, 3 car garage… etc… all for $700/month.  Older house, but that’s not my concern!  We know the family, it’s been clean, and taken care of… and that’s all that matters.
• Did I tell you I can’t focus at work?  HA!
• Tomorrow cannot come soon enough.
• My anxiety still rears it’s ugly fugly head, but I’m getting better.
• I have a hard time going to sleep at night because my mind wanders and wanders and wanders and wanders and…wanders…and…
• I need to buy some deer figurine things for Chris’ grooms cake
• I need to order my garters…
• I am absolutely positively THRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLED for our honeymoon!!  We are leaving the next Thursday thru Sunday after our wedding on 9/20 and going to Larsmont Cottages… we have the Lakeside One Bedroom Cottage with the Romance Package (go down to where it says Romance Package to see what’s included, there are also more pictures on the top!)!  RIGHT ON LAKE SUPERIOR!  Map here, see?  Right on the water!  We even get a grill, and schtuff!  We also get a dinner here, included with our stay.  Anyways, I’m super duper excited!  Here is a map of where the cottages are located! 

Now that I absolutely positively HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK now, I am stopping.  Have a great Wednesday all!

Meh.  Happy Monday.  One of those days, yes.

So, crazy thing happened this weekend.  Friday night I had to mow the rest of the lawn.  I always carry my phone with me while mowing, just because.   You know, to read tweets and keep up with Teh Internetz.  So, I’m mowing along, mowing along… and I realize my phone is gone.  GONE!  (insert mini panic attack here).  Not knowing how long I’ve been driving around without it… unclear if I’ve already mowed it over, or what… I get off the mower, and start walking.  And walking.  And walking.  And walking.  Finally, an hour and a half later, I told myself I had to get back on the mower because I still had to run to town to get a bridal shower gift.  Much to my worry and dismay, I got back on and I prayed…and I prayed… and I was actually listening to the religious radio station.  I never listen to that, but that night it felt right.  So I did.  I got not even ONE LAP around the yard, and the lawn mower ran out of gas.   So, since our big gas barrel was empty, I was going to push the terribly heavy mower up a little hill onto the already mowed part, so I could go get the other riding lawn mower and finish up the yard since it was full of gas.  I  push the mower forward NOT EVEN ONE FOOT, and vwahla, there it was.  Glorious red, shiny BlackBerry.  Smooshed under the back right tire.  My heart sank!  I though, “What are the odds!  I walked this yard for an hour and a half, prayed and prayed and prayed that I’d find my phone, or at least be able to get my simcard out, and to end up finding it right where the mower ran out of gas?”  Our lawn is rather large, so for this to happen… it’s super strange. Someone was listening to my prayers.  God does do some pretty crazy things! 

Saturday morning Chris and I went to talked to a banker at our credit union regarding mortgages and money down, etc.  We’re almost there, so that’s a relief.  I’m actually going to call today to ask some questions, we may go look at a house nearby.  Hopefully.

It’s one of those days, I just don’t have it in me to continue this lovely little post… maybe I’ll be back later.  Maybe not.  Chris and I are just getting extremely frustrated (not with my parents in general, we just need our own place)… I’m really really struggling.

I find my self usually lately at an absolute mind blank when trying to think up what to write about. I want to write to you, I want to express myself, and I want to continue being here and visiting blogs…

…but lately, I just cannot find it in me to come up with a post that is at least semi-interesting. Partially it’s due to my rough past couple days/week… but it’s slowly getting better. I’m still having my moments, but overall I don’t see myself in an anxious frenzy 99.9% of the time any longer, it’s more like 95% of the time now. Okay, only kidding… sometimes it feels like that though.

I will tell you that wedding stuff is coming along… are you so sick of hearing about that yet? Seriously… I’m sure it’s getting old. It gets old for me some days too. Some days I enjoy this planning, the other 75% of the time I wish the day was here right now and I didn’t have to worry about it any longer. Not that I’m wishing and hoping that this day get here just so I can be stress free… because I really don’t want that no matter how much I’ve said how anxious and stressed I am… I’m still soaking in all of this. Tomorrow I have my 4th dress fitting… geez! I have my red shoes now, so we’ll be able to work on the hem! She is adjusting a few other things for me, and that’s about it… waist is all done, halter is just about done, padding is done, the french bustle (that is not my dress, just an example of the bustle) is done, and that’s just about it… I’m getting anxious. I have my jewelry, I have the girls gifts/jewelry, the only thing we really have to do is get the gifts for the groomsmen and that’s it. Chris knows what he wants thankfully, so we just have to order it. Sunday I need to go buy our music for the ceremony and get that to the musician on Monday… cannot wait any longer! Next week the wedding will only be 30 days away, and I can’t push it off any longer!

Saturday morning we’re going to go talk to our credit union and get some more details about a mortgage and what we need to do, and what needs to happen with us in order to qualify for a good rate, etc. Depending on how that goes and what we have saved, we may see if we can get pre-approved. So far we’re planning on building a house on my parents land right across the road… but if we get pre-approved on Saturday, I wonder if Chris will think of buying? I would love to buy right now versus build… I just don’t want to waste the land that my parents are giving us. I’d rather go buy a house for now and the build on the land by my parents someday when we can afford the house we know we want. Not going to think much about that though until Friday at payday and Saturday…

Other than that, not much new really… I can’t complain I guess. I’ve been terribly tired lately, probably this stress stuff. Don’t get all on me about being stressed now… it’s all understandable with planning a wedding and all for 480 guests… I’m doing much better than last week, not 100% better, but much better, and right now? I’ll take that.

Well… since I’m at a complete loss on what to write today, I resorted to a meme, it’s one from last week, but that’s okay…

Here it is…

• 5 things you like about county fairs/festivals.
  * Visiting with the community in general
  * The hometown favorite treats
  * Tractor Pulls/Truck Pulls that the locals are in
  * The entire town seems to have different festivities planned for those days
  * Who am I kidding though, I haven’t gone to our county fair in about 4 years… no interest.
• 5 things you take with you when you leave the house.
  * My BlackBerry
  * Sunglasses
  * Lotion
  * Wallet
  * Keys
• 5 of your favorite days of the year.
  * 1st weekend in September - Labor Day
  * Memorial Day weekend
  * September 20th - Our wedding day
  * Christmas
  * July 4th - Weekends up north
• 5 genres of music you listen to.
  * Country
  * Hip Hop
  * Oldies
  * Rock
  * Country usually…
• 5 of your favorite places to shop.
  * Target
  * Old Navy
  * Macy’s
  * Maurices
  * Express

There, that’s it… that’s all I’ve got… I’m kind of enjoying this lull in blogging… seems like some others are taking some breaks too.

It’s one of those days again… I’d like to write endlessly but no words come out.

I will say Thank you to all who commented on my last post though… I am doing better.

I’m not sure what’s going on with this head of mine.  One minute I’m doom and gloom, the next I’m trying to be positive.  The second I try to be positive, it’s like I get overwhelmed with negative, and the positive feeling goes right to the ground. 

For God’s sake, I don’t even have the correct countdown date on my whiteboard at work.  Everyone ask’s, “So how many more days?!” and I have to stop and go look at a calendar.  I used to know right off the top of my head.  Something is wrong.

43 days.  There, had to count it out on the calendar.  Monday will be 40 days away.  Sunday will be exactly 1.5 months away.  Uhhh, where has the time gone?  I have so much to do.  Let’s make a list, so then I can have another attack.

* Programs
    **Finalize layout, wording, music.
* Music
    **Buy all of our music books, like STAT.
* Centerpieces
    **Plan out exactly how they’ll lay on the table.
* Flowers
    **Must drop off order, MONDAY.
* BM Gifts
    **Need to order up the last of their stuff.
* GM Gifts
    **Need to finalize what we will buy them, and order.

Seriously, there is more… I just don’t have it in me to keep going.   Bolded ones are my most important.  I know the music we’ll have, I just have to buy the books, and I know what kind of flowers along with “the look” that I want, I just have to drop the order sheet off.

In other news, I had my 3rd fitting last night.  Lovin’ my dress more and more and more now that I see it on, and fitted.  Perfect fit for me if I do say so myself. 

Other news?  Oh, houses.  Yeah, we won’t get into details.  But, I’m ready for my own kitchen, my own room, my own garage, my own livingroom, my own driveway, my own mailing address.  My sanity is running low.  Love my parents to death but I’m ready to be out.  They know this, I know this… Too bad the corn is still on the field and in order to get correct quotes and building estimates the corn has to be gone.  That means none of that stuff will be able to get started until late September or October.  Oy.  I so wish we could buy a house, but… that’s already been veto’d.  We’re either doing a modular house, or stick building as normal… we are going to Menards to get some quotes in the next couple weeks, more than likely right after the wedding.  As much as I want out, I can’t handle thinking about house stuff before the wedding. 

There is just too much going on right now.  I am trying to relax and focus on all the good things coming my way, but it’s not that easy.  If I could train myself to be happy, and excited without the negative thought surrounding my mind, I would.  But I can’t, I don’t know how.

My body is tense, my mind is fragile, my well being is not at its best, my focus is not on what it should be, and I’m struggling.

I didn’t have any idea what to title this post. I just didn’t. I’m stumped with a lot of things. Right now, I’m going through a bit of a rough patch… my anxiety level is at an all time high. I feel ill, mentally. I think the wedding, moving, saving money, and living with parents stresses are finally catching up to me. I know this too shall pass but right now I’m having a major inner struggle day to day. I cannot concentrate at work, my body is in one place, my mind is in another. I have an attention span of a 2 year old. You can about imagine how productive I am at work these days, can’t you? Read 5 sentences of medical records, and refresh my email… read through half of someones questionnaire, check our registry to see if anything has changed… read the rest of the questionnaire, check the local news website… read half way through something else, feel a pain in my body and Google it and self diagnosis myself… etc, etc. That’s how my day goes on. Or, I’ll Google wedding stuff, or something relating to that. Seriously, it’s getting out of hand, and I’m losing my focus. I need to regroup, refocus, and relax. I’m getting so tensed up at work, and so convinced that something is wrong with my health that I cannot catch my breath… mini anxiety attack? Maybe. It’s how I was feeling 2 years ago. At least this time it’s a bit familiar. Still, I don’t like it and I’m hoping it changes soon. Hopefully some self talk, relaxation of some sort will help me sort out my sour feelings of my self being.

In wedding news, I’m getting very very excited. 46 days away. FOURTY SIX. Sunday it will be exactly one and a half months away. Time is absolutely FLYING. I just picked up our wedding bands today and my bracelet! I don’t have a picture of my bracelet… oh wait, I do, from a prior post. Just not a real picture… by the time I went to use my camera, the battery was going dead, so I wasn’t able to take a picture of the real deal. Here it is out of their catalog…

Here is our wedding bands…

The more and more I look at my band with my ring, while it’s on my finger, the more and more I love it… It’s so weird to have it, and know that in such a short time, I’ll have it for good… It’s just a surreal feeling. Especially Chris’ ring… Chris wearing a wedding ring? Just an odd feeling! Good feeling, but just real! My dream is finally coming true…! I’m working on shower thank yous right now, just getting them out from my first shower about a month ago… little bit behind, but they’re going out on Friday, so that’s good. I need to start on the ones from my shower on July 20th now as well… as I have another shower this weekend, and I want to get ahead so I don’t get bombarded with tons of thank yous at once! My first shower was my biggest tackle, so these last two should be much much easier!

Hmm, well Chris stayed home with me this past weekend and we went to Cabela’s on Sunday afternoon, and he bought me this, below… I bet you can guess which one is mine!

They are .22’s… Mine is a Marlin Semi-Auto and Chris’ is a Ruger 10/22 with a Klinker Plinker kit to make it look like it does…! Anyways, they’re super fun to shoot… he’s had his for a while, and I just got mine this weekend. Love it! and IT’S PINK!!!!! Ha!

Hmm, nothing else too new. Chris stayed home from work on Saturday, as he wasn’t feeling the best, and he came to pick me up from work and we went to open a joint checking account. Can I just tell you how much of a relief that is for me? I wasn’t necessarily living paycheck to paycheck, however with him getting paid weekly, I just have a sense of huge relief lifted off my shoulders. I really am glad we did this. It was his idea as well…and he is now finally getting the whole once we’re married, “Your money is my money, my money is your money” type thing. We decided we would each get $50 per week cash to spend on whatever, and use the debit card for gas, bills, other bigger purchases, etc. Hopefully this will work out… as we’re both use to just using the debit card freely when we had our own accounts. We’ll figure it out eventually…

Dukey is home today after staying over night at the vet. He was neutered yesterday morning… so the poor baby is sore.

Hope you all had a great Tuesday, and hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday tomorrow… lets hope this week flies… and that I’ll be able to regain some focus, and less anxiety at work. This is getting old…